Irony

I didn't do a damn thing wrong and I still got screwed over.

How's that for karma? I am constantly trying to be the best person that I can be throughout all of this. I feel like I'm making smart decisions, and I'm not doing anything rash or stupid, and yet I still feel weak and that I failed in some way.

Good things come to those who wait? I am one who waits. Where are my good things, please?

Nomad

While in St. Louis this weekend I finally saw my sister's new house. It's a really cool house down in South City, and her and her husband are doing all of the fixer-upper projects throughout the house. They also have an awesome new dog named Homer. I am jealous of them because they have a place to call home.

My parent's house is where I grew up, and I'm obviously still welcomed there, but it hasn't felt like 'home' for a few years now. I also literally don't fit in that house anymore because my bed is too small, I'm tall enough that when I look in the bathroom mirror I have to bend down otherwise my head gets cut off, and I have to constantly crouch when walking in the basement.

Kirksville used to be my other home, the place where I felt more comfortable and could sit back and just relax. But now I don't even have a home here anymore. It's been tainted and taken away from me. I don't know exactly when I'll be able to find a new place to call my own, so in the meantime I'm just a nomad who wanders around trying to kill time until the day is over.

I would give just about anything to have Homer here by my side right now. I love that dog.

"I won't back down..."

"...no I won't back down. You can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I won't back down."

Thank you, Johnny Cash, for being there for me at 4:00a.m.

Rain

I noticed last night that my car battery had died at some point in the past few days, and if I didn't move the car by tonight it would have gotten a ticket tomorrow. So at 1:00 a.m. me and Ronnie went out into the pouring rain and pushed my car from the spot where it was parked into a space across the street, and we got soaked in the process.
I realize that this doesn't sound all that exciting, but the whole situation made me laugh and it made me happy.
Sometimes my life can be good.
This was the topper to a night that included watching Singin' in the Rain, having a good rehearsal, and shooting a bunch of zombies in Left 4 Dead with Ronnie while eating pizza.

Like I said, sometimes my life can be good.

Senior Year

It's my senior year, and I'm trying to find every way I can to get as much out of this year as possible. But I keep hitting roadblocks. Everything I think of I can't do because I'm average at everything. I'll get my hopes up and think that I really can do a job well, and then someone else gets the job. I should get used to it, because it's part of the business that I want to get into. I just wish that there was some talent or quality that I had that no one else has. And the only thing that ever made me feel like I was more than just average is gone.

The only comfort I've been able to find for weeks was when I watched The Dark Knight a few days ago. But I hate to say that even that didn't work 100%. Talk about a great movie, though. I mean, damn, that's about as close to perfect as any movie can get.


Whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn from this part of my life, I wish it would just become clear. The worst part is sitting back watching everything happen knowing that I can do something, but not being able to.

Medicine

With every ailment known to man, there seems to be at least one known way of treating it.
But a broken heart?
The only medicine people can recommend is Time.

You'd think with all of our technology we'd be able to come up with an alternative medicine. Something that works much faster than Time.

But you'd be wrong.
All we can do is sit and wait, and hope that someday the medicine will start working.

This summer sucked

Summer really sucked.
I want it to end right now.
This is a haiku.

Clogged

I have no other way of describing myself other than "clogged". I can't think about anything else. I can't get myself to do anything. I can't sleep without sleeping pills because my mind won't shut up.
Every time that I feel like I've made progress and that I will make it through this situation, something happens that puts me in a crappy, crappy mood.
Also, I'm worried that my instincts are right. They have been right about most all of the bad stuff that has happened lately, but with what I'm currently thinking about, I sincerely truly hope that I am wrong.
I feel like I have no one to turn to.
I feel completely alone. For the first time in my life.
Completely alone.

But you know, I've always been pretty independent and I'm used to dealing with problems on my own. At this point, the thing I hate most is the fact that she has to go through so much shit. I feel like she finally had a happy life and then it got crapped on and ruined. I hate that she has to go through this, and I hate that I can't be there for her. I hate it.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Feeling sad

I miss holding her hand.
I miss helping her through tough times.
I miss the kisses.
I miss being able to call her mine.

Back to blogging?

Am I returning to blogging? Probably not. I'm just bored right now and need something to do to kill time.
Well it's been a little while. What's new? Lots of stuff. But for right now I just want to say that I'm sick of school. I love being involved in all of the theatre stuff, and I love getting to work with all of these awesome people here, but I hate the "class" portion of school. I hate getting homework and having stupid LSP crap getting in the way of what I really want to learn about. Is my lame paper in Christianity really going to add anything to this world? No, and you know why? Because everything I have to say in this paper has already been said thousands of times by thousands of people who are much smarter than I am. I am merely putting together different sentences and quotes that they have said into 8 pages that I will slap my name on and turn in so that I can get a grade and move on with life.
The part that scares me is that I really don't care what I get on this paper. There is a good chance that I will actually fail this class, and I am pretty much unphased. I am done worrying about grades and homework and I want to start focusing on something worthwhile that I can contribute to society.